"Pleasure doing business with you, old bean."\n\nAll right then, now for some profit!\nHow will you advertise this... prize(?)?\n\n[["Zoo magazine - 2008 - Women of the Macha Woman Womens Wrestling Association Special - Signed".|Sell Sell Sell]]\n\n[["Vintage Zoo magazine - Women of the Macha Woman Women's Wretling Association special issue - Signed"|Gouge Gouge Gouge]]
Combo-lations! By conveniently omitting the date of the magazine, you've netted a profit of a whopping £20 from someone who apparently didn't know that Zoo magazine started in 2004.\n\nYOU WIN! Good job!
A car radio, and not a recent one either, instead one of those huge efforts. Where did he get this? And why for that matter? Car radio's apparently aren't the big business they were in the '90s.\nHe's evasive as ever, so what of it?\n\n[[Buy it!|Commerce for all!]]\n[[Steal it!|BONK]]\n[[Threaten him about it!|He already sold his spine, I guess.]]\n\nOr, y'know, check out something else like...\n[[The bag, THE BAG!|Sencha is pretty popular...]]\nThe canister
"Thank you."\n\nHe seems pretty pleased. I expect you are too, even though you really oughtn't be.\n\nStill, you waltz off with your prize. Too bad it is actually green tea. On the plus side, £2.69 is dirt cheap for that much and you also got rid of all your small change.\n\nSo now what?\n\n[[Try and sell it down the pub, why not?|Professional tea dealer]]\n[[Drink it, why not?|Marvelous]]
"Thanks a bundle."\n\nWell, that was overpriced. Now to make some money off this sucker, am I right? How to advertise it...?\n\n[["Wrestling poster - Miss Sexy Dynamite - 2011 - Signed"|A sale is a sale.]]\n\n[["Vintage Wrestling poster - Miss Sexy Dynamite - Signed"|A sale is a sale of the century!]]
You will no doubt sleep entirely comfortably secure in the knowledge that you actually stole the man's tea, and I would say his dignity, but that ship probably sailed long ago.\n\n[[Sell, Sell, Sell!|Professional tea dealer]]\n[[Drink it.|Not so marvelous]]
"Um... a-all right, I'm not sure how much... uh... well, how much do you have?"\n\nHow depressing. How badly do you want to take advantage of this?\n\n[["£2.69"|You cheap bastard.]]\n[["£20"|Hey, moderate spender.]]\n[[Just hand over your entire wallet, you won't needing THAT any more.|To be fair, to do that you were probably mad to begin with.]]
Welcome to the Greater Lesser Trumpertington-on-Sea car boot sale. Are you ready to enter the exciting world of antiquing?\n\n[[Yes.|At the Car Boot sale.]]\n[[No.|I'm not ready.]]\n
Combo-lations! With you're properly labelled item, you have made a profit of £1.25.\n\nIt's a magazine, and a relatively recent one at that, so that's the best you could really hope for, right?\n\nA WINNER IS YOU!
You're quite insistent, aren't you?\n\nYou're all like "you are Miss Sexy Dynamite", and she's all like "no, I'm not." This goes on for a bit, until she has no option but to snap your neck like a twig. A bit extreme perhaps, but you were being super annoying.\n\nGAME OVER, anyway.
So you've beaten up a guy with no home or money and stolen one of his meagre possessions, a ziploc bag full of green tea. Yeah, you thought it was cannabis, didn't you? Well, tough, he probably stole this from the samples at Whittard's. Frankly, you have no right to complain at this point.\n\nWhat'll you do with it then?\n\n[[Sell it to losers at the pub.|Professional tea dealer]]\n[[Drink the damn stuff, it was free, damn it.|Marvelous]]\n[[Give it back.|Guilt assuaged!]]
"That poster's from the 2011 tournament. It's signed by Miss Sexy Dynamite herself. She doesn't give out too many of those, you know."\n\nBut... a load of this tat is signed... Oh, well, whatever floats her boat.\n\nWhaddaya wanna do with this?\n\n[[Buy it|Posutaa Getto da ze!]]\n[[Steal it|He invented dynamite AND peace!]]\n\nOr maybe ditch it and look at something else?\n\n[[Check the crappy action figure.|I wonder if it's the kind that melts if you hold it near a space heater for a couple of minutes?]]\n[[Check the better one.|Swanky Lanky Action Figure]]\n[[Check that magazine.|Questionable magazine.]]
With the police involved, Curtis is taken into custody and all his wares taken as evidence. You're not getting at any of that any time soon. Quel dommage.\n\nGAME OVER!\n\nStill, that was very upright citizen of you.
Your attempts to sell the tea down the pub are met with both suspicion and interest. Unfortunately the people you sold to weren't expecting tea, so you soon find yourself wearing a lot more casts than you are accustomed to. Also the landlord called the cops, so you can't go back there again, despite the mix up.\n\nUltimately, that'd be GAME OVER.
Abridged for your viewing pleasure!
I'd say I'm not sure that's a good idea, as he'll probably just become enamoured with you if you take too much of an interest, but you've already clicked the link, so let's see what happens, shall we?\n\nThe two of you get to talking very gradually, and it reaches a point where you feel a bit too sorry for him to just let him leave to sleep under bushes by the pitch'n'putt course, so you invite him to stay the night at your place, get a good meal for once, that sort of thing. A night becomes two, that becomes a week, two years later you are happily married and contemplating children. Of course, you are the main breadwinner, given his poor education, mental problems, and the fact that he has the muscle mass of a malnourished 6 year old girl, but he's very good at looking after the house and the cats so you don't mind much.\n\nIs this a win or a game over? Erm... I guess the aim was to get rich, wasn't it? Well, what is richer than being in love? Aside from money and that? Whatever, YOU WIN, kind of. Yay!\n\nYour mother thinks you could do better though.
Seriously, where and why does he have this? He immediately cracks under pressure and begs you not to shop him, you can have the rotten old radio.\n\n[[Shop him anyway!|Oh, no, the fuzz!]]\n[[Take said rotten old radio.|Scruples, what are they?]]\nTell him he'll have to do better than THAT!\n
Sorry, this is something missing from this abridged version. Truthfully, a key part of this was that it seemed like there should be three potential people to interact with, so Mrs Maynard is pretty underdeveloped. The joke was basically going to be that she's a nice old grandmotherly figure who is actually into some terrible things. You find this out, defeat her and become a local hero.\n\nThere wasn't that much else to it, more thought went into Sexy Dynamite's and Curtis' routes. She was probably going to have less options than those two, and they were already cut down from what was in my head.\n\n[[Why not try Sexy Dynamite's route instead anyway?|At Miss Sexy Dynamite's stand.]]
Did you actually figure out that this was one of the original MWWWA figurines, or were you trying to lie your way to victory? Well, whatever, it's paid off as you get £40. If only it were boxed... well, anyway, you done good.\n\nYOU WIN!\n\nLet's hope Miss Sexy Dynamite doesn't hunt you down and kill you.
Sure, why not? It's not like he's going to be able to do anything with it. Of course, given the age of the thing, what'll you do with it?\n\n[["Car radio - ideal for classic cars"|Ah, the perils of selling stolen goods.]]\n[["Cheap car radio"|Too bad.]]
With it's heft, you whack him over the head with it and run off.\nCongrats, you now are in possession of an old timey car radio. Should probably sell it, but who'd buy a thing like this?\n\n[["Classic car radio - ideal for vintage cars"|Ah, the perils of selling stolen goods.]]\n[["Car radio - cheap - untested."|Not in the slightest.]]
Miss Sexy Dynamite clearly knows how much her shit's worth, as it breaks even. Erm, it's better than loosing money, I guess, right?\n\nYOU DON'T LOSE! Congratulations!
WHAT!?!\n\n[[You heard me!|You suck (though not literally).]]
Miss Sexy Dynamite appears to be incognito in that really conspicuous Jackie-O way; I guess it's not easy being Queen of the Ring (or her, for that matter, as if you recall correctly, she lost the title fight to reigning champion Queen Quadricep III. Man, that thing's a total fix; those Quadriceps have it all stitched up, I'll bet, wouldn't you agree? ...Oh, right, the car boot thing, let's get back to that) with hordes of adoring fans and all. Then again, her table is chock full of her own memorabilia, so that's subtle.\n\nThere's a signed poster, an action figure, a deluxe action figure (with articulation!), that one issue of Zoo she was in, some shirts, some mugs...\nFrankly this seems like stuff you could get pretty easily anyway and probably not for much either. Well, whatever, I'm just the narrator, what do I know?\n\nWhat now anyway?\n\n[[Hail yon shopkeeper.|Chattin' with the stars! One, anyway.]]\n[[Check that poster.|That's certainly what I said it was just now.]]\n[[Check the crappy action figure.|I wonder if it's the kind that melts if you hold it near a space heater for a couple of minutes?]]\n[[Check the better one.|Swanky Lanky Action Figure]]\n[[Check that magazine.|Questionable magazine.]]\n
No one wants a crappy old car radio at any price you might make a profit on, so YOU are down £30. Too bad. There's no real humour in this situation, I'm afraid.\n\nGAME OVER!
Well, you don't take much convincing. How'll you offload this?\n\n[["Classic Car Radio"|Ah, the perils of selling stolen goods.]]\n[["Cheap Car Radio"|What a disturbing thought.]]
He seems too stunned to say anything.\n\nAs are you when it turns out you've given it all up for tea. You subsequently go insane, kill your neighbour and her lodger, while cackling wildly about "it" being "tea", whatever that means to the police and the staff at the mental hospital. Too bad.\n\nGAME OVER and a half.\n\nMeanwhile Curtis has enough stuff to live live as you from now on, so he's doing pretty well for himself for once. So it's not all bad news. Except for you, that is.
"O-oh, thank you!"\n\nWell, he's happy. You probably won't be when you realise it actually was tea. Where did he get that? Anyway, £20 is probably about right for that much. Fancy teas expensive, don't y'know?\n\nSo what're you going to do with it?\n\n[[Try and sell it down the pub.|Professional tea dealer]]\n[[Drink it.|Marvelous]]
Really? You trying to steal from a woman who came second in a tournament that's only semi-rigged?\n\nAs you try and make off with it, she grabs you and subjects you to her signature move, the Nobel Pile Driver. You wind up in a coma for two weeks, and miss the rest of the sale.\n\nGAME OVER!\n\nSeriously, how did you think you could take her?
Looking at the bag, he doesn't seem to really be responding. Still, it's pretty blatant what it is, unless of course it's loose leaf tea or something, but why would that be loitering around here?\n\nStill, what'll you do?\n\n[[Buy it.|It's not drugs, is it?]]\n[[Steal it.|In which you beat up a homeless man.]]\n[[Threaten him in the hopes it'll get you somewhere.|Ziplocgate]]\n\nOr check out some of his other nonsense:\n\nThe radio.\nThe canister.
Nice scruples there. You take his ominous bag for your own and leave him crying in the field. It is actually tea though, sorry about that. He probably stole it from Whittard's or something and that was why he wasn't going into detail about it.\n\nWhat'll you do with it?\n\n[[Sell it down the ol' Frog & Handgrenade.|Professional tea dealer]]\n[[Drink it up.|Marvelous]]\n
And it goes for 50p! That means you've made a loss of 50p, for a total loss of 50%. Oh, dear. Never mind, eh?\n\nA WINNER IS NOT YOU! But it's not the winning, it's the taking part, right?
Oh... Oh, dear.\n\nWell, GAME OVER then, I guess.\n\nTry again, IF YOU DARE!
"Hello," you say.\n\n"H-hello," he stutters back, as if the two of you are in a dark alley and you are brandishing a colossal knife. We can be sure at least one of those things isn't the case. He doesn't seem willing to say much more though, so now what?\n\n[[Keep at it.|Happy End]]\n\nOr look at his stuff:\n\n[[The bag of probably-cannabis.|Sencha is pretty popular...]]\nThe radio.\nThe canister.
Conveniently putting "vintage" in place of an actual date is great way to sucker people, no? You make £37 profit at auction. Now that's more like it, yes?\n\nYOU TOTALLY WIN!
"I don't remember where I got that thing. I'll give it to you cheap, if you like."\n\nSeriously, what a piece of crap. Only the arms move and I'm not sure you should do that, it seems like they'd fall off as look at them.\n\n[[Buy it|Oh, joy, a choking hazard.]]\n[[Steal it|He invented dynamite AND peace!]]\n\nOr maybe look at something else?\n\n[[Check that poster.|That's certainly what I said it was just now.]]\n[[Check the better action figure.|Swanky Lanky Action Figure]]\n[[Check that magazine.|Questionable magazine.]]
You can't give this thing away. Sorry and all that. Mind you, you did steal it... screw it, I'm not sorry at all.\n\nGAME OVER!
"Thank you."\n\nWell, that's nice. Now to get rid of it. How'll you advertise this thing?\n\n[["Miss Sexy Dynamite - Action figure - Bargain!"|At last, the spoils of war.]]\n\n[["Classic action figure - MWWWA Miss Sexy Dynamite - original"|Flawless loss]]
"What ho, Miss Dynamite," you say in an overenthused fashion.\n\n"I'm sorry?" She responds. "You're quite mistaken. I'm Bunty Hoven, an ordinary woman who sells wrestling memorabilia."\n\nShe is incognito, after all. It makes sense she wouldn't admit to being Miss Sexy Dynamite, OBE.\n\nWell, now what?\n\n[[Press the matter.|In which you annoy someone much stronger than you could ever dream of being.]]\n\nOr go back to her wares:\n\n[[Check the poster.|That's certainly what I said it was just now.]]\n[[Check the crappy action figure.|I wonder if it's the kind that melts if you hold it near a space heater for a couple of minutes?]]\n[[Check the better one.|Swanky Lanky Action Figure]]\n[[Check the magazine.|Questionable magazine.]]
It nets £5. Not too shabby, you made a bit of profit there. I guess it's a decent figurine and all.\n\nYOU WIN!
Lovely Antiquing
All right then, here we go.\n\nGreater Lesser Trumpertington-on-Sea is a small town with a population of 2607. Of that, approximately 1200 are sheep who spend their time in fields grazing, and about 700 are cadavers who spend their time in graveyards being dead; neither of these groups of people are at the car boot sale. In fact, very few people are, because who really goes to those things any more? What do you think this is? Bargain Hunt? You think you're gonna strike it lucky here at the car boot sale? Fine then, hot shot! Hope you don't catch nothin'. Have any idea where this stuff's been? God knows I don't wants to think about it.\n\n...I digress. Anyway, the point was there aren't many sellers here, for reasons that are totally legit and not narrative convenience.\n\nThere are three stalls:\nOne is helmed by local wrestler, Miss Sexy Dynamite.\nThe second is helmed by local down-and-out, Curtis A. Brigstocke.\nThe last by local grandmother, Mrs Maynard.\n\nWhere wouldst thou go?\n\n[[Miss Sexy Dynamite's stall.|At Miss Sexy Dynamite's stand.]]\n[[Curtis' stall.|Untitled Passage 1]]\n[[Goody Maynard's stall.|Untitled Passage 2]]
If you have a classic car, are you terribly likely to have left it around with your radio on display for Curtis to steal? No. This is totally a '90s car radio, and those thing aren't classic yet, buddy. Trade descriptions want a word, and also your knee caps.\n\nGAME OVER!
I would say you do the right thing in giving it back, but really you took it in the first place. What the hell is wrong with you?\n\nWhen you get back, he's cradling his arm where you twisted it and still crying, a mixture of snot, blood, and tears coagulating in his beard. You toss the bag at him, and run off.\n\nGAME OVER!\n\nYou make me sick.
It tastes so bitter it's like acid in your mouth.\n\nGAME OVER
This is so totally not an original figure. First gen figures are always a bit crap, like the Star Wars one. You are called out on your false advertising, and what ensues is a costly legal battle that costs you your house.\n\nIt's harder than it looks on the telly, isn't is?\n\nGAME OVER!
Sorry, no such luck. This is something cut from this abridged type version.\n\nCurtis was supposed to have some really OTT melodramatic stuff of the kind usually reserved characters in Hardy novels. It's all very miserable, though it did also have what was probably the best (and also most appropriate for the theme of the jam) ending. The levels of cruelty you could inflict made me kind of uncomfortable writing it though. This morning I listened to an interview with cartoonist Stephen Collins* who said that it's important to know when to back out of ideas that aren't working. It used a driving analogy and struck a cord. Mind you, I'll probably keep working on the full version of this, even though who'll see it?\n\nAnyway, yes, you could be awful on this route, and really the only thing I could do was berate the player for choosing those route and have the P.C. be punished by the universe for it, as unlike Sexy Dynamite's route he can't deal with you himself for trying to take advantage of him. It got a bit uncomfortable to write, even while hammering home that the character is being reprehensible, I imagine it would be even more so to read.\n\n[[Why not go try Sexy Dynamite's route instead? That's something resembling fun.|At Miss Sexy Dynamite's stand.]]\n\n*The interview in question was from the "Make It Then Tell Everybody" podcast dated 7th of March, 2013. It's pretty interesting. Also Stephen Collins is pretty great, I recommend checking out his comics.
Fine, then. The deal is sweetened more, and you are utterly hellbound.\nThe two off you wander off behind the token burger van and he proceeds to pleasure you orally. It's not terribly erotic, what with the location and the fact that he appears to be sobbing as he does it. You think to yourself that if this is his standard service it's no wonder he's always skint, callously ignoring the circumstances at work here.\n\nWith that unpleasantness out of the way, what now?\n\n[[Leave it at that.|A job well done, I'm sure.]]\n[[Take the damn cannabis.|Wunderbar]]\n[[At this point, you decide you might as well go all out and make off with the rest of his stuff before he gets back to it.|No]]
And so you call it a day, comfortable in the knowledge that you made someone's life worse.\n\nGAME OVER!\n\nThe point was to amass wealth, not blackmail down-and-outs. Frankly, you should be ashamed.
Well, it is pretty suspect, I guess.\n\nHe panics and starts begging you not to call the police, saying he'll give it to you for free.\n\n[[Take him up on that.|Moralism!]]\n[[Tell him to make it worth your while.|To reiterate: WHAT!?!]]\n[[No deal, police, NOW!|Oh, no, the fuzz!]]
Curtis A. Brigstocke at one time professed to have been a child actor, although the only credit anyone seems to know of was that he was in some sweet advert in the late '80s, or maybe it was the early '90s; he seems to have given up mentioning it now. Anyway, shit happened, you don't know the full story and I can't be bothered to recap it here, now he sleeps in a box and sells his body for whatever he can get for it. It's all very sad and melodramatic, like Eastenders and Hollyoaks had a baby and they hired Mommie Dearest as a nanny.\n\nAnyway, he doesn't so much have a stall as a blanket with some suspect looking crap on it. There's an ominous ziploc bag with some green leaves inside, a car radio, and some sort of metal canister.\n\nWhat takes your fancy?\n\n[[Talk at him.|It speaks!]]\n[[That bag that is clearly nothing untoward.|Sencha is pretty popular...]]\n[[The radio.|Can you hear my radio?]]\nThe canister.\n
"Cheers."\n\nLovely, I'm sure. You're a pound down. What to do with the thing? Someone might want it, I guess. How'll you pitch it?\n\n[["Miss Sexy Dynamite - Action Figure - BARGAIN"|Loss Leader, except without the 'leader' part.]]\n\n[["Classic figure - MWWWA Miss Sexy Dynamite - original"|Flawless victory]]
Honestly, why did you think this was worth the effort? You almost literally can't give it away. It makes a stylish paperweight though, you tell yourself, lying through your teeth... the teeth in your brain, I guess.\n\nGAME OVER
You drink the stuff, and have that warm feeling only tea can bring.\n\nAh, nice.\n\nYOU WIN!
Ew, you're touching it. Actually it's entirely hygienic, being as it is owned by an adult woman rather than a 13 year old boy who can't buy real porn. Of course, it doesn't change that you're holding a copy of Zoo, in public, no less.\n\n"That's the issue of Zoo from a few years back that had the women of the MWWWA. It's signed by Miss Sexy Dynamite, the Flapper, Sylvia Pankhurts, and Blousey."\n\n[[Buy it.|Buy Buy Buy]]\n[[Steal it.|He invented dynamite AND peace!]]\n\nOr maybe you want to check out something else?\n\n[[Check that poster.|That's certainly what I said it was just now.]]\n[[Check the crappy action figure.|I wonder if it's the kind that melts if you hold it near a space heater for a couple of minutes?]]\n[[Check the better one.|Swanky Lanky Action Figure]]
Swanky.\n\n"Hmm, I'm not sure where that came from, other than China, that is."\n\n[[Buy it.|Money down]]\n[[Steal it.|He invented dynamite AND peace!]]\n\nOr maybe you want to check out something else?\n\n[[Check that poster.|That's certainly what I said it was just now.]]\n[[Check the crappy action figure.|I wonder if it's the kind that melts if you hold it near a space heater for a couple of minutes?]]\n[[Check that magazine.|Questionable magazine.]]
"Um, er, right... Thirty...? Pounds?"\n\n[[Hells, Yeah!|Kaching!]]\n[[Hells, Naw!|BONK]]
By NJD Somerville for #PPHSjam
You might think spending so long on the streets would've hardened Curtis; well, you thought wrong, he floats like a bee, stings like a butterfly, and you easily overpower him and leave him in tears, I hope you're happy.\n\nWhat now?\n\n[[Run off with your prize!|Contraband]]\n[[Steal the rest of his stuff too!|Truly you are a god among men]]
Lovely. You take all all his stuff, sell it all for a total of £500. You enjoy your new lifestyle amongst the sort of people who appear on Real Deal, and proceed to make much more money fleecing the unfortunate. Some years later, you die choking on a bliny, and proceed to spend the rest of eternity being eaten by that guy with the bird head and the cauldron on his head. No one really cares that much.\n\nYOU WIN!